The Voice: To take heed or to proceed the choice is yours
I held him down with a strong grip with no intention of letting go. I wanted to keep him down for as long as I could to prevent him from going anywhere. I seized him and fastened him to one spot with all my strength, mixed with anger, bitterness and every evil thought. “You did me wrong”. I said within myself, “and I am going to make you pay for it”, those thoughts continued to occupy my mind. I could not go anywhere without him. If I turn to the left or to the right I dragged him with me because I refused to set him free. “I want sweet revenge, I hate you, I can’t stand the sight of you, but I will not let you go unless I see you suffer”, my soul struggled with these thoughts. Then I heard my name, I looked up but no one was there. “I am hallucinating” I thought, “but I can’t afford to shift focus or else this offender will go free”, I pondered within. “Tazzy”, the voice echoed within my soul; but still no one was visible. But this time I was certain I heard right. “Who are you? I responded as sweats of fear and anxiety streamed down my cheeks, but I continued to press down upon him disbursing more energy than I could afford – but with fuel of hate and anger sustaining the blazing fire inside of me I held on with determination.
“Come let us reason” the gentle and loving voice continued. “I can’t” I responded.” If I do, I have to drag that one with me and he is too heavy”, I said. “Let him go”, the voice reasoned. ‘And set him free? no way!” I blurted out as I felt violated of my right to revenge- he had to pay! “Remember that thing you asked of me? I have come to deliver it, but you are not in position to receive it because your hands are tied”, the voice continued. “But I can’t let go”, I said applying more pressure on him beneath my grip. “Come” the voice uttered a second time. I turned toward that voice but I couldn’t move an inch because my hostage was gaining strength as my energy deminished and so a tug of war began. He struggled from under my grip. I held tightly onto him simultaneously attempting to go toward the voice because I want that thing he had for me. The more I tried to drag my hostage with me the harder it became because he began to drag me to the other direction in defense. In my determination to win that war, I shifted all focus on keeping him locked down as the struggle continued for some time but he eventually got to tired and worn out so he surrendered. At that point I was confident that I had dominated the situation so it was safe to continue my conversation with “the voice”.
“Are you there?” I called out, but there was only silence. Fear took hold of me, I wanted to continue the conversation with the voice. I wanted what the voice had for me and now that I was in control I was sure I was able to drag him over with me. "Hello", I yelled louder hoping the voice will hear and answer. But still, there was nothing. At that time anxiety was increasing as I restlessly turned in every direction hoping to locate the voice, but alas, nothing! So in desperation and fear of losing what the voice had brought for me I yelled even louder. Suddenly I felt a hard blow on my left shoulder which forced me to lift my head hoping it was “the voice". But I was mystified- it was only grandma standing next to me with a frightened look on her face. “What’s the matter” she uttered. I didn’t answer as I turned my eyes toward the yard and all I saw was the golden sun radiating in its glory, the birds occupying the elm trees as their melodious sounds fill the atmosphere and the children jovially laughed and jumped about in the backyard as I looked on from the balcony where I sat slouching on grandma’s old rocking chair in defeat, again- I had lost the internal battle. I missed a blessing, because I didn’t let him go. “Will the voice return?” I asked myself as I got up from the chair and sluggishly walked passed grandma without saying a word as I made my way into the house, to crawl back into my misery.
Message: You can never win holding onto others grudgingly. When you forgive, you free yourself and only then can you walk freely toward the voice of the blood - the only access to the father with whom are your blessings. Whatever you bind on earth, will be bound in heaven, whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Loose yourself today.
Anastasie Destouche © 2012